Things to make you smile
Some are almost believable!
If you don't take time to laugh,
you are really missing out on life.
~ A fool and his money are soon partying
~ If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn ~
~ Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery ~
Have you ever heard this conversation?
You want a Coke?
I just told the truth
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals ........very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...
Why men don't write advice columns
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual.
I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes.
He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbor's daughter is 22.
We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much.
Ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. I
f it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.
If none of these approaches solve the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps.
Get out of the car!
(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida.)
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun.
Screaming at the top of her lung "I have a gun and I know how to use it!" "Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car an got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.
She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.
A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman.
She was described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed. Moral of the story? If you are going to have a senior moment, make it memorable!
Me And You Is Friends ...
You Smile, I Smile ...
You Hurt, I Hurt ...
You Cry, I Cry ...
You Jump Off A Bridge ...
I Gonna Miss You!
Wanted for attempted murder
(the actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up.
She had her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange.
He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked.
Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.
When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
I can't help but to wonder as to the color of her hair.
Florida Court Sets Atheist Holiday
In Florida, an atheist created a case against the Easter and Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days.
The argument was it is unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring "Case dismissed!
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others.
The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur, and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays." The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists." The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'the fool says in his heart, there is no God.
'Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day.
Court is adjourned.
Truth can be stranger than fiction
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