Odds & Ends
A few items to make you smile
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It takes an Electrical Engineer
My dad had a neighbor when he was young that played his radio loudly all day, even when he wasn't home or was gone on vacation. Every time he left the house and his radio was still on, my dad would go and trip the circuit breaker to his condo.
One day he sees my dad, who was an electrical engineer, and asked him why his breaker kept tripping - was it faulty wiring?
No, my dad explained, the loud radio was probably just putting too much strain on the circuit when left on all the time. My dad suggested he should try turning it down or off when he wasn't home, and see if that fixed it.
So the man tried it, and surprise surprise, the circuit breaker stopped tripping! He was very thankful to my dad for helping him with that annoying electrical issue.
Age has it's advantages
One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost.
Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Uh oh! I'm in real trouble now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly:
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, and figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
When the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back, he thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers.
Pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story
Don't mess with the old dogs. Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Quick thinking and brilliance only come with age and experience.
Teacher with no sense of humor
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.
So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders". Guess where I am now...
That's how the fight got started...
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive. So, I took her to a gas station. And then the fight started.
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started.
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said "Unbutton your shirt'."
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application;
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too." And then the fight started.
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"Oh My!" says my wife, "Who would think, a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started.
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it. He was a Dwarf! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!" So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And that's how the fight started.
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the Mad Cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself." And that's how the fight started.
Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outta Night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in his mouf.
He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decide to steal dat frog. Dat snake, he be a cotton mouf watta moccasin, so Boudreaux he haf'ta be real careful or he gonna get bit wif dat snake.
He snuk up behine de snake and grab him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirm and wrap hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free. But Boudreaux, him, hada real good grip on his haid, yeah.
Well, Boudreaux pried de snake's mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he gonna bite him good, but he got a plan.
He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pinta Tennessee hillbilly moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snakes mouf. Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp.
Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou, den he goes back to fish'n. A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe. He slowly look down and dere be dat Cotton moufed water moccasin, wif two more frogs!
Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!
Men are NOT mind readers.
Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
Men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sex, cars, the shotgun formation, or basketball.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes
I am in shape. Round is a shape!
Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
When God made the Oyster, He guaranteed him absolute economical and social security. He built the Oyster a house; a shell to protect him from his enemies.
When hungry, the Oyster simply opens his shell and food rushes in for him. He has no worries. He doesn't fight anybody. He is not going anywhere.
When God made the Eagle, He gave him the sky as a domain. The Eagle then nested on the highest crag, where the storms threaten every day. For food, he flies through miles of rain, snow, sleet, and wind.
He screams his defiance at the elements, and goes about his own business, building his own life. When aroused, he's a vicious foe for his enemies.
The Eagle, not the Oyster, is the emblem of America!
So, are you thinking about having children? Stop and take this test first to see whether you are ready!
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. Put a crayon in a pocket before you wash the clothes.
Stick some chewing gum on the bottom of your shoe and walk all over the carpet.
Obtain a 55 gallon box of building blocks. Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen barefoot. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
Also, spread some larger toys around the yard, making sure to leave at least one riding toy directly behind the car.
GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
Get a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug,while pretending to be an airplane.
Finally, dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m
Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m.Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years, and always look cheerful.
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil.
Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment and leave it there. Get a dime and stick it into the cassette player.
Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies and mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the outside of the car. There, perfect.
Think of an animal that starts with the letter "N". Find a word that rhymes with "Purple." Locate an object that was made in Austria. Buy a protractor and a pack of 3"x5" index cards.
Find out about and do all these things the morning they are due at school.
PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Find a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months, then remove 10 of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter and ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store.
Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
Find a couple who already have a small child or two. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve.
Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
Okay, so NOW are you smiling?
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